Your thoughts suck
It’s 9.45pm New Years Eve and everyone in the house is asleep. Her husband, true to New Years form, was grumpy and got grumpier. He doesn’t like New Years. Sitting there at the kitchen island she feels sad. In theory she knows she shouldn’t expect confetti and smiles, but she can’t help feeling disappointed. Life is a struggle for him, she tries to appreciate what he can give and how hard he has to fight himself to give that much. In her compassionate moments she loves him all the more for trying so hard, for all the things she sees him doing, how much he has changed and grown, just so he can be the person, father and husband he wants to be and for the most part is. But in her, what is the right word, “ wanting”, “needing”, “selfish” moments she wants more than that. She wants the spontaneous dance around the room, for him to take her in his arms and tell her he loves her and thank her for this past year. To kiss her with a twinkle in his eye, to put a little bit of magic into the evening rather than just dragging himself through it. She stops. She takes a deep breathe and tries to switch her mindset. She thinks perhaps it is nice to end the year being able to be alone and contemplate what has been and what she hopes will come. Or perhaps just be still and grateful for what is. Her two beautiful girls asleep upstairs. One in the playroom under the covers of her new igloo shaped fort, the other curled up asleep with her papa keeping her side of the bed warm until she comes to bed. As her husbands therapists said this past week to him, “ you are not your thoughts, your thoughts suck! Don’t let your thoughts dictate your feelings.”