Doubt

Doubt stops the silly’s, the daring, the dreaming. It’s a double handed smack over the lips, leaving a chocolate stain memory of unsaid words around the mouth. It’s a stuck out foot that surprises the middle of a skip, the stinging knee a sneer that remains for days. For the last few years the shape of Her doubts have begun to glare into focus. They have taken a human form, imaginary friends that sit either side of Her shoulders, steering the ship, off script for so many decades they made paper airplanes out of it.  One of them even has a name.

“Um! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Sarah jumps down from her bony throne, her long skinny legs poking out from under a long haired vintage Mongolian faux, fur, white, jacket that hems a few inches below her bum.

“THEY won’t take you seriously! It doesn’t sound very, you know, THEM!”

Sarah is in her twenties, works for a magazine. She knows all the right people, is as relevant as tomorrow’s headlines and understands what works.

“Why are you doing that?” Sarah whispers, “That’s so cheesy, THEY will laugh at how bad this is.”

Who “They” are, is not clear. There is no one human element, but it is loud and feels like a big black moldy ball.  Sarah is there to keep Her creativity in check.  Make sure She doesn’t write the wrong thing or ends up in places She has no business being.

“The thing is,” Sarah says with a smile not reaching her eyes“ you just aren’t good enough.”

Then there is the other one that sits up there watching for icebergs, legs swinging, his top lip curled into a smirk. He doesn’t have a name but She can see him, feel the hot breath of his concern. An old conservative white man wearing chinos and a blue sports jacket making sure she doesn’t push the envelope too far and make a fool of herself. He’s not a big fan of women either, especially ones that aren’t pretty.

“ I don’t know if you should wear that?”He says as he walks into the room unannounced. “Stripey dungarees at your age? You don’t want to look like one of those kind of middle aged women do you?

“Well I think it looks quite cute if I pair it with this white top.” She pushes back.

“Sure!” He laughs,  “And while you’re at it why not get a pair of big colorful wooden earrings!”

She sighs and takes them off, he’s right she should dress more seriously.

“ Hey!” He says raising his hands in defense, I’m just making sure you don’t embarrass yourself.”

He and Sarah high five and slope off to happy hour.  They’re meeting  up with a freelancer that looks out for Her parenting.  Over cocktails a thin old aristocratic woman who insists she has the kids best interests at heart will discuss with the table how She doesn’t take her kids traveling enough and those poor babies should have more culture in their lives. Interestingly though this thin lipped vampire doesn’t have a full time seat at the shoulders, her cruel whispers landing without roots.  Here She feels more confident because with her kids She is herself.  With them there is a freedom and space where Sarah, Old Chino Pants and Aristo Bird don’t have an all access pass. And as She gets older, She is beginning to feel this shift starting to push into other areas of her life.  Her daughters told her the other day that She was “95% child” and that might be the greatest compliment to date! Because underneath the outer leanings of “shoulds” She is as free as a Shel Silverstein poem, and this statement is a clear sign that her inner child is do-si-do-ing with her outside adult projection. And children dont care what other people think.

Sarah does not like the project The Flowers We Feel. It’s too feely, totally uncool and many people won’t take Her seriously because of it. Chino Pants reckons it is right up there with clanging wooden bangles, while Aristo just sniffs and look away.  But this just makes her smile and with a big grin she hikes up her skirt and begins to dance around them singing.

Have some cheese,

if you please,

said Ms Louise,

as proud as peas,

I wish you well,

but mind the smell

(and sound the bell)

‘cause all will tell,

when out it cums

from your big bum

a fart as loud as bubble gum!